I've come to the realization as of late that I have numerous mental and emotional issues that have gone unchecked. I've realized that one of my issues is that I compartmentalize my thoughts far too often and they ultimately culminate in unhealthy breakdowns that physically and mentally drain me, so this blog will be my way of opening myself up to the world that I have typically shielded my innermost thoughts from (aside from the people to whom I'm closest). Be forewarned that this is extremely personal stuff from here on out, so if you don't want to get to know the inner workings of my brain, I'd suggest ignoring all the Facebook shares from my updates. I was also inspired by my wife doing a similar blog to document her own personal goals and progress. You can read all about that here:
http://alossforwhichillnevergrieve.blogspot.com
With that out of the way, on to the first of many revelations:
I consider myself a misanthrope. I don't hate people in the way someone has a bad encounter with another and says "Gosh, I hate people! That guy was such a jerk!" I truly view people as a collective to be unlikeable and undeserving of any benefit of the doubt. Now, there are obviously individuals I like, and others I even love. But my general impression of most people is of disdain and disinterest in acquaintanceship. I reject every humanist notion that people are intrinsically good because I don't see the good. I see the selfishness, the narcissism, the lack of intellect, and so on, but certainly no positive qualities until I actually get to know the individual, and even then, I typically have an unfavorable view of him/her. It was 2007 when I finally realized that I hated people, but there was no single trigger; it was a culmination of life events that had burned me on humanity enough to bring me to that realization. Between the death threat I received in middle school that the administration pretended to never have been reported, my first girlfriend who turned out to be the extremely emotionally abusive (that is a post all in itself), and countless other encounters that left a bitter taste in my mouth, it's hard for me to see how anyone can trust our collective species. I suppose that's why making friends doesn't come easily for me when I'm already apprehensive of everyone until the planets align and I happen to ascertain enough of their personality to decide that I like them. For the most part, I don't really want to try to make new friends because of my preconceived notions, but somehow I fall ass-backwards into making them once in a while, so my social life remains sustained.
Well, that was good for a start. Next time, we get into the first relationship and the emotional damage that nearly made me a confirmed bachelor.
