*blows dust off blog*
It's been a long time, but I've decided to write again. The reason for the extended absence is to be explained here, and I feel a bit of recapping is definitely in order.
January 3, 2012...it's a day I will never forget. I came home from work to find a wife who, out of the blue, expressed her unhappiness with the marriage, desire for marriage counseling, and fighting back an urge to just pick up and move back in with her parents then and there. I was, among many things, shocked to my core. There had never before been any inkling that there were problems to such an extreme; I certainly didn't have such reservations about her or the marriage. Things weren't easy, sure, but what marriage is? The rationale for this whole situation is personal and will not be put in the public forum, but what it boils down to is she was no longer satisfied with me as I am, and it didn't manifest until nine months into a marriage. I was extremely hurt by this sudden turn of events, but I was willing to fit tooth and nail for what I had worked so hard to achieve.
Fast-forward to two days later. I hadn't eaten in the two days prior, and had finally forced myself to breakfast. I had a marriage counselor lined up through my work's Life Resources program, wherein the first three sessions were free to me. I felt like there was a glimmer of hope, but I had a feeling of dread that it would end regardless. It was the same feeling of dread that preceded the deaths of my grandmother and aunt in 2011, and it was back again as a harbinger of another life catastrophe. I cooked dinner that night - pork chops and mashed potatoes, and had left a plate for her upon her return home. She came home, ate it, complimented my cooking, then revealed that the counseling she demanded was only to clear her conscience before beginning the end. I refused it, did not allow her to say the sentence she wanted to say that would only state the glaringly obvious about the future of our marriage, and left for my brother's to get away from her.
In that instant, everything I had worked for in the past four years would be gone - the marriage, the home, the pets - a new life I had forged for myself was taken from me without warning. I was forced to relocate, a process that took two months, thanks to a needlessly drawn-out transfer. I was left an emotional cripple, barely able to cope with daily life in the following several weeks. A faith that had already been strained following the death of my aunt had now been completely destroyed. I even sought out a psychiatrist for the first time in my life to help sort out my problems.
Where am I now? It's taken a lot of support, but I've taken a lot of steps towards moving on. My emotional state has been restored and I'm able to function normally again. My faith that had contradicted the reality of what I saw in humanity, however, has not; it is curious how individuals who seek to save others ultimately lead to their supposed downfall. As I see it, I have simply been emancipated from a belief structure that no longer applies to my view of the world. I've removed reminders of the past from my life and severed ties with those from that past, not out of malice or vindiction, but necessity in moving on from it. Some of you reading this may see this as carte blanche to bombard her with hateful comments. It is not. I want this to be as clean a split as possible and thank you for respecting my wishes on that matter. Where do I go from here? The future is a mystery, but for now, I'm just focusing on my continued efforts to pick up the pieces and begin my life anew.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Relationships! And Getting the Worst Out of the Way First
I've been feeling pretty let down by people today, so I've decided to get on talking about the one that very nearly destroyed my interest in relationships. It's a subject that haunted me for years and took just as long to recover from the damage.
In 2003, I was the typical 18-year-old with social issues: hadn't had a girlfriend yet, had trouble establishing myself to that point, and overall had trouble seeing things that were right in front of my face. But enough prefacing, let's get to the subject. Names have been omitted because I'd like to think I have a little more class than that.
So I met someone at my workplace at the time (the time being spring 2003), and she had met my ever-lowering-out-of-desperation standards: she had girl parts and she took an interest in me. Eventually, after some getting to know, we began dating, and I was on cloud nine because I finally got what I had agonized for so many of my teenage years to aaccomplish. We saw each other a lot, and particularly way too much in the workplace. When it was called out, I reacted with the rationale that I had been overzealous about it because it was my first; she took it as a personal attack to create drama. That should've been a red flag for me right there, but love is blind, even to many obvious warning signs.
Over the months, things began to deteriorate without my seeing the situation for what it was. She severely strained her leg while sneaking off to hang out with a friend (ex-boyfriend, for those keeping score), and of course I bailed her out so her parents wouldn't find out the truth about what she was doing. What I wasn't told until later in the relationship was that she was still having sex with him for the first couple weeks we were together because, quote, "I wasn't sure if it'd actually last." Very encouraging words indeed. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with her hanging out with him alone,, and she conceded to my wishes, although it was a concession that wouldn't last.
The reality of it is that it did last, and I wanted to do something sppecial to commmemorate reaching the six-month mark. I was making peanuts at the time in either of the jobs I was working, so saving up for a $70 ring at the time was a big deal. It was gold, with a heart-shaped ruby. I give it to her, expecting a joyous reaction, but instead got this: "I said I didn't llike rings with stones outward because they might get lost." That deflated the mood pretty well.
In the waning months of the relationship, she had become increasingly critical, to the point where she came out of nowhere and lectured me on Valentine's Day. All because I had gotten annoyed at another driver in the parking lot of a movie theater. In the climax, she wanted me to visit before I had to get to work that night. What happened there was a LONG rant on all the things I was doing wrong in the relationship (while refusing to give me a chance for rebuttal), then ended by asking me if I wanted to break it off. Given all of that weight, what else could I say, but to call it off? After all, I figured it was clearly what she wanted, and being the nice guy that I was (not any longer today, I can assure you), I went that route.
We made an attempt to remain friends, but things didn't last long. Of the mutual friends we had, she annexed all but one for herself (and I still have a connection to the guy to this day), and I felt like I was dismissed from a circle I had helped build for nine months. In the weeks following the relationship, people started talking to me about the relationship, and offered me consolation by helping me see the relationship for what it really was. My parents detested the girl and her family, but didn't want to tell me that while I was still with her to make the relationship go even longer out of defiance. My aunt and the rest of the girls in her hair salon hated the way she treated me in their one meeting of her and thought I deserved better. The manager of the place where we both worked said it was the best thing that could've happened to me. That previous autumn, the manager was out for knee surgery, and the girlfriend and I paid a visit, but she completely dominated the conversation. I'm a naturally quiet person, but they were amazed that I wasn't given much of a window to speak, and they wanted to hear what I had to say. Those things helped me see how much better off I was.
The friendship in the aftermath was never destined to last, and a number of environmental changes made that so. A co-worker of ours had lost a battle with cancer in July 2004, and because the ex was going away to college in Delaware, I was the next senior person to inherit, for lack of a better term, the part-time position the departed had previously held. The ex and I were both "flex-time," which meant no guarantee of hours, benefits or vacation time. I had acquired all of that, plus a bump up in the pecking order. The ex, unfortunately, came back as a seasonal person. Before that, however, she had called me in hopes of getting a ride to the hospital in Alexandria, VA from Delaware in hopes of seeing her grandfather one last time. I didn't even really like her at all at the time, but knowing the gravity of the situation, I obliged. It was a huge favor to do for an enemy, but I thought it would at least be appreciated. When she comes back to work, she isn't feeling right due to grievance, and things don't go her way for whatever reasons. She comes back to me announcing her intent to sue the store, and ME if I narced on her ideas. What do I do? I promptly go to work and stooge it off to the manager and later dared the ex to bring it on. Of course, she did nothing.
While working there for the holidays, she got her store keys back. It was a bad judgment call to do that, and the ex's ego got turned right back up to 11, condescending me at every turn. I was so infuriated by it that I vowed to turn everyone we mutually knew that I could against her. It wasn't difficult; most people were already there and just needed another push. One friend needed encouragement to sever ties; when he told her that I set aside time out of my busy schedule to hang out and she didn't bother, I mentioned that was probably a sign to cut her off. She came around sometime in May of 2005 and mentioned to me that she felt like she was unwelcome there. I gave her a disingenuous hug and smiled, knowing she was oblivious to the alienation she perpetuated and I encouraged.
It took me a long, LONG time to recover from the whole situation (there are so many other things about it I've omitted for length); my self-confidence with other people was gone for years, and every other attempt at a relationship I made until 2008 didn't last more than a month. It also sparked a vindictive streak in me that I didn't have before; I didn't actually do things to sabotage others before then, and that vindictive side of me carries over even to this day.
So where are they now? According to my sources, she has a kid and is currently in the middle of a divorce from the father. She retained a connection with exactly one friend from the 2003-2004 era. I'm married to the woman I've known for close to four years with no looming threat of divorce; my self-esteem is generally back to par, and we talk out issues together rather than fight or belittle one another. I also maintained ties with a few people from that time. I don't believe in karma, but I'd like to think justice was served for once.
In 2003, I was the typical 18-year-old with social issues: hadn't had a girlfriend yet, had trouble establishing myself to that point, and overall had trouble seeing things that were right in front of my face. But enough prefacing, let's get to the subject. Names have been omitted because I'd like to think I have a little more class than that.
So I met someone at my workplace at the time (the time being spring 2003), and she had met my ever-lowering-out-of-desperation standards: she had girl parts and she took an interest in me. Eventually, after some getting to know, we began dating, and I was on cloud nine because I finally got what I had agonized for so many of my teenage years to aaccomplish. We saw each other a lot, and particularly way too much in the workplace. When it was called out, I reacted with the rationale that I had been overzealous about it because it was my first; she took it as a personal attack to create drama. That should've been a red flag for me right there, but love is blind, even to many obvious warning signs.
Over the months, things began to deteriorate without my seeing the situation for what it was. She severely strained her leg while sneaking off to hang out with a friend (ex-boyfriend, for those keeping score), and of course I bailed her out so her parents wouldn't find out the truth about what she was doing. What I wasn't told until later in the relationship was that she was still having sex with him for the first couple weeks we were together because, quote, "I wasn't sure if it'd actually last." Very encouraging words indeed. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with her hanging out with him alone,, and she conceded to my wishes, although it was a concession that wouldn't last.
The reality of it is that it did last, and I wanted to do something sppecial to commmemorate reaching the six-month mark. I was making peanuts at the time in either of the jobs I was working, so saving up for a $70 ring at the time was a big deal. It was gold, with a heart-shaped ruby. I give it to her, expecting a joyous reaction, but instead got this: "I said I didn't llike rings with stones outward because they might get lost." That deflated the mood pretty well.
In the waning months of the relationship, she had become increasingly critical, to the point where she came out of nowhere and lectured me on Valentine's Day. All because I had gotten annoyed at another driver in the parking lot of a movie theater. In the climax, she wanted me to visit before I had to get to work that night. What happened there was a LONG rant on all the things I was doing wrong in the relationship (while refusing to give me a chance for rebuttal), then ended by asking me if I wanted to break it off. Given all of that weight, what else could I say, but to call it off? After all, I figured it was clearly what she wanted, and being the nice guy that I was (not any longer today, I can assure you), I went that route.
We made an attempt to remain friends, but things didn't last long. Of the mutual friends we had, she annexed all but one for herself (and I still have a connection to the guy to this day), and I felt like I was dismissed from a circle I had helped build for nine months. In the weeks following the relationship, people started talking to me about the relationship, and offered me consolation by helping me see the relationship for what it really was. My parents detested the girl and her family, but didn't want to tell me that while I was still with her to make the relationship go even longer out of defiance. My aunt and the rest of the girls in her hair salon hated the way she treated me in their one meeting of her and thought I deserved better. The manager of the place where we both worked said it was the best thing that could've happened to me. That previous autumn, the manager was out for knee surgery, and the girlfriend and I paid a visit, but she completely dominated the conversation. I'm a naturally quiet person, but they were amazed that I wasn't given much of a window to speak, and they wanted to hear what I had to say. Those things helped me see how much better off I was.
The friendship in the aftermath was never destined to last, and a number of environmental changes made that so. A co-worker of ours had lost a battle with cancer in July 2004, and because the ex was going away to college in Delaware, I was the next senior person to inherit, for lack of a better term, the part-time position the departed had previously held. The ex and I were both "flex-time," which meant no guarantee of hours, benefits or vacation time. I had acquired all of that, plus a bump up in the pecking order. The ex, unfortunately, came back as a seasonal person. Before that, however, she had called me in hopes of getting a ride to the hospital in Alexandria, VA from Delaware in hopes of seeing her grandfather one last time. I didn't even really like her at all at the time, but knowing the gravity of the situation, I obliged. It was a huge favor to do for an enemy, but I thought it would at least be appreciated. When she comes back to work, she isn't feeling right due to grievance, and things don't go her way for whatever reasons. She comes back to me announcing her intent to sue the store, and ME if I narced on her ideas. What do I do? I promptly go to work and stooge it off to the manager and later dared the ex to bring it on. Of course, she did nothing.
While working there for the holidays, she got her store keys back. It was a bad judgment call to do that, and the ex's ego got turned right back up to 11, condescending me at every turn. I was so infuriated by it that I vowed to turn everyone we mutually knew that I could against her. It wasn't difficult; most people were already there and just needed another push. One friend needed encouragement to sever ties; when he told her that I set aside time out of my busy schedule to hang out and she didn't bother, I mentioned that was probably a sign to cut her off. She came around sometime in May of 2005 and mentioned to me that she felt like she was unwelcome there. I gave her a disingenuous hug and smiled, knowing she was oblivious to the alienation she perpetuated and I encouraged.
It took me a long, LONG time to recover from the whole situation (there are so many other things about it I've omitted for length); my self-confidence with other people was gone for years, and every other attempt at a relationship I made until 2008 didn't last more than a month. It also sparked a vindictive streak in me that I didn't have before; I didn't actually do things to sabotage others before then, and that vindictive side of me carries over even to this day.
So where are they now? According to my sources, she has a kid and is currently in the middle of a divorce from the father. She retained a connection with exactly one friend from the 2003-2004 era. I'm married to the woman I've known for close to four years with no looming threat of divorce; my self-esteem is generally back to par, and we talk out issues together rather than fight or belittle one another. I also maintained ties with a few people from that time. I don't believe in karma, but I'd like to think justice was served for once.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Introduction and Down to Business
I've come to the realization as of late that I have numerous mental and emotional issues that have gone unchecked. I've realized that one of my issues is that I compartmentalize my thoughts far too often and they ultimately culminate in unhealthy breakdowns that physically and mentally drain me, so this blog will be my way of opening myself up to the world that I have typically shielded my innermost thoughts from (aside from the people to whom I'm closest). Be forewarned that this is extremely personal stuff from here on out, so if you don't want to get to know the inner workings of my brain, I'd suggest ignoring all the Facebook shares from my updates. I was also inspired by my wife doing a similar blog to document her own personal goals and progress. You can read all about that here:
http://alossforwhichillnevergrieve.blogspot.com
With that out of the way, on to the first of many revelations:
I consider myself a misanthrope. I don't hate people in the way someone has a bad encounter with another and says "Gosh, I hate people! That guy was such a jerk!" I truly view people as a collective to be unlikeable and undeserving of any benefit of the doubt. Now, there are obviously individuals I like, and others I even love. But my general impression of most people is of disdain and disinterest in acquaintanceship. I reject every humanist notion that people are intrinsically good because I don't see the good. I see the selfishness, the narcissism, the lack of intellect, and so on, but certainly no positive qualities until I actually get to know the individual, and even then, I typically have an unfavorable view of him/her. It was 2007 when I finally realized that I hated people, but there was no single trigger; it was a culmination of life events that had burned me on humanity enough to bring me to that realization. Between the death threat I received in middle school that the administration pretended to never have been reported, my first girlfriend who turned out to be the extremely emotionally abusive (that is a post all in itself), and countless other encounters that left a bitter taste in my mouth, it's hard for me to see how anyone can trust our collective species. I suppose that's why making friends doesn't come easily for me when I'm already apprehensive of everyone until the planets align and I happen to ascertain enough of their personality to decide that I like them. For the most part, I don't really want to try to make new friends because of my preconceived notions, but somehow I fall ass-backwards into making them once in a while, so my social life remains sustained.
Well, that was good for a start. Next time, we get into the first relationship and the emotional damage that nearly made me a confirmed bachelor.
http://alossforwhichillnevergrieve.blogspot.com
With that out of the way, on to the first of many revelations:
I consider myself a misanthrope. I don't hate people in the way someone has a bad encounter with another and says "Gosh, I hate people! That guy was such a jerk!" I truly view people as a collective to be unlikeable and undeserving of any benefit of the doubt. Now, there are obviously individuals I like, and others I even love. But my general impression of most people is of disdain and disinterest in acquaintanceship. I reject every humanist notion that people are intrinsically good because I don't see the good. I see the selfishness, the narcissism, the lack of intellect, and so on, but certainly no positive qualities until I actually get to know the individual, and even then, I typically have an unfavorable view of him/her. It was 2007 when I finally realized that I hated people, but there was no single trigger; it was a culmination of life events that had burned me on humanity enough to bring me to that realization. Between the death threat I received in middle school that the administration pretended to never have been reported, my first girlfriend who turned out to be the extremely emotionally abusive (that is a post all in itself), and countless other encounters that left a bitter taste in my mouth, it's hard for me to see how anyone can trust our collective species. I suppose that's why making friends doesn't come easily for me when I'm already apprehensive of everyone until the planets align and I happen to ascertain enough of their personality to decide that I like them. For the most part, I don't really want to try to make new friends because of my preconceived notions, but somehow I fall ass-backwards into making them once in a while, so my social life remains sustained.
Well, that was good for a start. Next time, we get into the first relationship and the emotional damage that nearly made me a confirmed bachelor.
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